


Rambling

by Causa



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:52:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4351322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Causa/pseuds/Causa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl would sit on the floor of her room and let the water before her lap at her feet, and once she was acclimated to its temperature she would submerge herself in it; its surrounding warmth calmed her, the pressure soothing. Sometimes she pretended it was someone holding her, like she imagined Rose would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rambling

Sometimes when the dam that kept her sanity intact was pressured by the roaring thoughts in her mind that crashed continuously against it in a way that threatened her, Pearl would sit on the floor of her room and let the water before her lap at her feet, and once she was acclimated to its temperature she would submerge herself in it; its surrounding warmth calmed her, the pressure soothing. Sometimes she pretended it was someone holding her, like she imagined Rose would. 

But fusing with Garnet produced a sensation that outweighed anything her mind could produce. First waves of warmth would envelop her, holding her tightly, making her safe. Immediately after the waves would become electric, making her eyes open, alerting her to the beauty around them. She knew that she was capable, the doubts that constantly flooded her mind silenced by the soft, passionate voice that echoed in her ears, chanting _I am loved_. Just to be _with_ Ruby and Sapphire was as close as she had ever been to shared happiness since Rose. To be _a part_ of them was extraordinary. The feeling of closeness could allow her to pretend she was still there—but Pearl's confidence was then such that she was content to live in the moment, unabashedly _herself._

So when they unfused and the afterglow of Garnet's close embrace and imprint of her strong arms on her own faded away and the thoughts that flooded her brain came rushing back, the shame and fear and loathing of herself and her situation were worse than when she thought of Steven's warm, loving, Roselike eyes after she had watched him fall off the cliff where she had almost fallen all those years ago; because she had known what it felt like to be at peace, and had it stripped from her before she could truly appreciate it. Worse yet, when she did receive it the second, third, fourth time she knew it was ephemeral, pressured, then, to enjoy what would probably be her last chance to experience serenity. 

When it was taken away from her permanently she felt sick, but what made her sicker was the hate in Garnet's voice—the hate that she would have preferred to silence, because at least hate was a reaction, an acknowledgment of her pitiful existence. 

_I shouldn't exist_ echoed in her ears, not new by any means but louder than ever, even louder than when Rose died. Buried far past Pearl's yearning for death back then was the small sliver of hope that was what was left of her; now that Steven had realized fully the depth of her horrid self—she had seen it in his face—she knew that after seeing that even he could never forgive. Rose wouldn't have either—but Pearl would have never acted so terribly if Rose had been here. She would have simply delighted in Rose's presence, gotten all the warmth and closeness she could ever need from the rays of her intensity. 

_  
As if this wasn't entirely her fault. As if she wouldn't have ruined everything in some other way. As if she wouldn't have desperately, pitifully, poorly attempted to show her worth and as if she wouldn't fail each time. As if she had the potential to be content. As if she had the potential to be worth anything at all._

Yet her desperation kept her moving, searching for the gem that plagued all of Garnet's thoughts; because she knew that it was impossible for herself to drown in the small sea that stretched out before her. This was the first time in days that she had entered her room, had allowed herself any repose.


End file.
